Hello Nick, Carmine here -

Fascinating topic. And, of course. Although when I am face to face with another individual I may chose to utilize more of a nonverbal approach in moving toward change, I still believe deep and lasting change can occur in many other ways, including a simple email.

What would you learn if I said to you, even here in this post, that I know there is something you want to change. Yet, and with total respect to your not yet having been able to make the internal connections that will bring about that change, I know that you can. And even if you don't agree with me fully, I know that your own personal experience will. After all, how many other times in your life have you been able to surprise yourself. Even times when you said, "I can't do this," but in the end you did anyway.

You see, your not having fully made these changes yet is not a sign of not being able to, but is instead a sign that you are overlooking something important. It's like anything else you have ever learned to do. It wasn't until all of the pieces fell into place did you experience the feeling of having accomplished the activity. And the new and useful behavior that followed in that context.

Think about this. Imagine being in a kitchen, and you are wanting to cook a meal that you once tasted but have yet to create for yourself. And you are combining various ingredients but when you taste what you have come up with you aren't fully satisfied. It doesn't quite taste the way you wanted it to. Do you give up completely vowing to never step foot in that kitchen again? Do you simply give up on cooking just that one meal? Or do you try again, at least one more time?

And in trying again do you follow the very same steps, using the very same ingredients all over again? Of course you wouldn't, that would be silly. But isn't that sort of the way you were going about making this change. And, it would be very interesting if you were to think about the entire process from a different point of view? How about just going to a restaurant and satisfying that taste? Buying a cook book? Or even asking someone else to show you how to cook that meal?

I did something quite silly myself once. I was looking for an old hard drive I had put up that contained a particular file I wanted to find. I was sure of where I had put it, yet when I looked it wasn't there. So I looked in several other places where I might have put it, but to no avail. After looking for some time, and with little success, I decided to look again. And when I began looking again, somehow finding what I was looking for became much more important. And on the third try, finding what I was looking for became even more important. So much so, that I had, more or less, forgotten why I had wanted to find it in the first place. Now, I was more concerned with finding what I was looking for rather than serving the purpose that I had when I began this quest.

I had lost an entire day being caught up in the pattern of trying to find this thing. What started out as a simple thing, I want to find this file, wound up turning into a major event. Especially since the file was one that I could have downloaded off of the net, gotten in the car and driven to the store and purchased. Or even drove to one of my friend's houses and picked it up.

Human beings do that sometimes. Rather than sit down and ask, "How may different ways can I accomplish this", they quickly pick a method, and wind up... you know what I mean. There is always another way. In fact, given our neurological flexibility, there really is no way that it can't be done. It's just a matter of finding a way that works. And as creatures of habit, we sometimes choose what we are comfortable with first. And when that doesn't work?

When I was chasing that lost hard drive, forgetting why I had wanted to find it, I had also forgotten everything else. I can remember the phone ringing. I picked it up and it was my younger brother. I guess he had detected my obvious frustration when he asked me, "What the hell is going on with you?" I said, "What!" Again he said, "You sound as if you had been wrestling with a meat grinder. Which, of course, broke my state causing me to begin laughing. And after I told him, he joined me in my laughter and sent me the file I had wanted. But after I had gotten the file I no longer needed it.

Nick, I do think human beings are very capable creatures. And that the words learning and change mean the very same thing. Without learning, there is no change, and without change, there is no learning. So if you ask, and you did, I totally believe that something as simple as an email, if written with skill, and sometimes if not, can lead toward learning. Which is the as saying that people can change with only the printed word.

Be Well

Carmine Baffa