. She is now fully able to
balance her family life, and her own personal desires. And to think,
all of this stemmed from my using anger with her in an effective
manor.
START----------------
This woman who was referred to me showed up she saying to me that she
was a doormat. That she wasn't living her own life, that
everyone else was telling here what to do, and that she couldn't resist.
I thought to myself if that is the model she is operating out of I
will use what is there. She can be my doormat now, the only difference
being that I will put here in a double bind. If she has set herself up to live
what others dictate, I will be a dictator, one like she has never
experienced before!. However, I will dictate that she live here own
life. So, I looked at her, stepping into a very angry demeaning
posture and said. . . .
I really don't have time for this. Don't you have any thing better do
with your life than complain to me about what you don't like? Because
if that is what you want to do, you have come to the wrong person. To
be honest with you I really don't care, if that is what you chose to do
with you life. . .do it. . .but not here!
People like you rally piss me off! You enter into voluntary servitude,
and rather than do anything about it, after you have decided that you
no longer want. . .You have a right. . . . So you changed your mind! Now do
me a favor and change your behavior. Because quite frankly I find it
appalling, a grown woman sitting here acting like a lost child. And I
wonder just how far you are willing to go!!
Don't let my anger blind you! And it can be contagious. What a waste!!
There are things that you want out of this life, but you are too busy
hanging on to what you have been told to do, now. .go out and do what you
want! One might think that you are incapable of making up your own
mind, after all-you have been carrying around the beliefs of your
parents, teachers and your friends. And although these are people who
may have had your best interest in mind, your mind! they may not have
taken into consideration what you want, only what they think is good
for you. Here you are, not fully getting what you want, but in some
small way still wanting to hold onto what you already have had.
Ridiculous!! There is no safety in that!!
But I guess you are just willing to settle, and why not? You don't have
to be faced with the responsibility of taking control of your own life.
And in the end, when you look back over your life it will be to late.
You will have lived someone else's life? And you are the kind of
person who will wait before you do anything about it! Doesn't it make
you angry to think, that all along you only thought you were doing
what was best for yourself? Because underneath that mask that you wore,
the one that pleased others while leaving you wanting---was a small
desire. A desire to step out of the box you had painted yourself into.
Thats right, you made the decisions that led to your present position,
no one else! Others may have helped you along, but ultimately it was
you who decided. But if you can decide one thing, you can decide
another!
But the question is, when is enough? At what point do I go inside and say to
Yourself---I am not going to live this way any more! Oh! I do hope it
happens before it is to late! Before you're final days are numbered! It
wont matter what people think then, now, -will it? And you will look back
toward now and wish that you had done something to make things
different. But then it won't do any good, because it will simply be to
late. And all of the people that you were living your life for, well
that wont matter then either, NOW will it? But it wont make a
difference, you will do what you are told to do, you can't help it!
It is your life, but you will do what you are told. Even if you wonder
what it would have been like if you had taken that first step-- on your
own. If you had simply reached inside and said to yourself-I refuse to
settle! I will not allow this to be my way of life any longer! I will
do what ever it takes! I will find the resources and I will use them!
And in the end-- I will be filled with sense of dignity that only comes
form making up my own mind! Doing what I want, living my life!
Again, the choice is yours. The mirror never lies, it just sits there
looking back at you! What do you want to see in that image? How do you
want to feel about what you see there looking back at you? What you
want to see there wont just happen, you need make it happen! And the
question isn't why it didn't happen in the past, but that it can happen
in the future, the one you will decide to build, to enjoy, and to share with
those you love, who in the end, will come to respect you for reaching
out to yourself and doing what you know you needed to do. The time is
now!
You know, most people act as if they are immortal in the physical
sense, that they have all the time in the world! Well guess what? We
don't have all of the time in the world. We can not afford to wait, and
wait, and wait. Those who wait-learn how to it better. If you want to
do something, then do it. All of the complaining in the world will
never get it done, it will only teach you how to more of the same. I
see that you have two young daughters, is this what you want to teach
them? Do you want them to go out into to the world and say yes to every
man that comes along? Is that what you are planning here? Will you be
proud of yourself for teaching them that? Lady, you don't have the
luxury of waiting until it is too late. It's not only you that has been
involved in your moaning and complaining, you have two young girls to
consider here. And I think it would be a good idea if you teach them
how to be independent, how to stand on there own two feet when they go
out into the world. How to say no when it is in there best interest!
Yes it really pisses we off. You tell me that you were a doormat.
Whatever that means. That you were not living your own life, but you
were? You just weren't taking responsibility for that choices you had
made for yourself. Now, I think it is time that you did what you needed
to do to change things, no complaining, no looking back, just moving
forward.
I don't have the answers for you, by god! I don't even know what the
questions are! Only you can know, and it is inside of that knowing that
you can reach out and welcome the world that you want, the kinds of
experiences that you want---your own deep felt personal hopes and
dreams! But you don't have to stop there. For time has a way of
changing things, so too can you alter your own dreams and desires so
that they fit just right for you!
And then when it is all said and done---you can look back, with a
sense of satisfaction in having paved your own way, lived your own
life. It was you who took the time to change things while you sill had the
time, and there is not time like now! The choice is yours, and you can
take pride in having realized that for yourself, now, before it was too
late. Think about it----and as you do I want you to realize that you
---are--to put into words- YOU! A unique individual who has been given
the greatest gift in the world, You life---now go and live it!!
And remember, you are a part of the family you helped to build. And as
you are making these changes, take into consideration that you will
need to find a way to make what you are doing fit. Because I am not
going to tell you to step into this new image of yourself any quicker
than you also find a way to bring your family closer together. Now, I
know that this task is far to great to deal with one dimensionally, you
also need to include your unconscious…..
Because, things have a way of happening in an ordered fashion. When you
get up in the morning you have to get out of bed before you can walk
across the room, but before get on your feet, you must first wake up.
Unless of course you are into sleep walking, something I have always
found interesting. How could one actually get out of bed and walk around
a room without first waking up? It must be something that only your
unconscious can understand.
I once worked with this woman who often found herself getting into
arguments with her husband. I think it is healthy for a relationship
between people to have it's periods of workable conflict. This allows
for the system to continue changing. But for this woman it was a
different kind of conflict, her husband would always make sure that he
got in the last word.
He was much bigger than she was, he was much louder than she was, and
he didn't mind using this to his advantage. So I figured I would even
out things a bit. So I looked at her and said, listen. There are many
things that you are aware of consciously, like the many times he had gotten in
the last word. But, even more importantly, there are many things that
you are not yet consciously aware of. But if you were to shift your
gaze for minute, and become aware, you could use them. Things that
occur before the last word. In fact, things that occur before the
argument, way before.
As I said before, things have a way of occurring in an ordered fashion.
And if you want to discover the sequences of an ordered pattern, it is
usually easier to identify the order by following the event backwards,
from it's completion to before the time the pattern began.
Take for example, you come home and you find that a window in your
living room has been broken. So you ask yourself, "how did it get this
way?" And you realize that an answer to your question isn't really
necessary in order to fix the window. But you are curious? You
simply want to know how the window wound up this way?
So you look around the room and you find a rock lying on the floor, and
you deduce that the rock was responsible for the window being broken,
but not the rock in and of itself. Someone had the help that rock
along. But today is your lucky day, your neighbor was out playing with
his new video camera, and he has the whole thing on tape! And you watch
that tape and you see this cute little boy walking along, and all of a
sudden he picks up a rock---and the rest is history.
Yet if you were run this video tape backwards, to before he hurled the
rock, to before he even decided to through the rock.
There was this man who was referred to me because he was unable to get
along with his boss. He said that he really liked his job and wanted to
keep it, but would not be able to if he didn't stop fighting with his
boss. I looked and him and asked, always? Are there not times when you
have gotten along with your boss?
He said of course not always! Then I said, well how do you know when it
is time to fight with your boss? He said to me, usually when I am
having a bad day I fight with him. I said good, but I have another
question for you. How do you know when to have a bad day? It doesn't
just happen on its own, it has to start somewhere? He thought about it
for a while and said, you know I never thought about it like this, I
seem to have a bad day when I am late for work.
You see we followed it back to before the beginning, before he fought
with his boss, before he drove to work, before he got out of bed,
before he woke up. In fact, he was staying up to late, and that is
where he made the changes in his behavior. Things aren't always what
they seem. The women who came to me because her husband was always
getting in the last word. I taught her how to go back to before the
argument, to notice what was occurring before it even began, and to
make the changes there, before it started.
You see, if you look for it, there is always an easier way. And when
you take advantage of using your brain to make things easier, you are
also freeing yourself up. And it is inside of this freedom that you can
begin to realize just how many choices can exist. There is no one way
to do anything, and in thinking of what you haven't thought of yet,
you are opening up new possibilities, new choices, new ways of doing
all kinds of things. But it doesn't have to come from someone else, it
can come from you. No one to blame, no one to point a finger at, and if
what you chose doesn't work, you can always choose something else.
Think about it, you are driving to the supermarket, but the road is
closed. Does that stop you? Or do you take a different route? The same
is true in all behavior, if what you are doing isn't getting you where
you want to go, change it. If it still doesn't work, change it again!
But only this time you can use all of your resources by aligning your
conscious desires with your now unconscious resources.
Now, go out an do what you want!! Or I will come and visit you when you
least expect it. And I am not even warmed up yet. You should see me
when I really get going! I literally start foaming at the mouth! You
would think I was a werewolf, especially when I start howling. Now get out of
here before I really get angry, and remember, there will be times in
the future, as you continue making these changes for yourself, that
will seem a bit difficult to you, but in comparison to having come back
here and deal with me again, I don't think so.
End-------------
Carmine Baffa
BTW, if you have been following the transcripts I have been posting,
you may have noticed that I make it up as I go along. I base all of my
output on the responses I am calibrating to. Human beings are so very
different one from another, that any one set way of communicating will
surely fail somewhere along the way. The more flexibility you allow the
more choices you will have, period!
Although she didn't know it, I was not really angry with this woman. She came to me for help, I
decided to help her. And am one to do whatever it takes the live up to
my end of the deal. I am not interested in being liked or disliked by
my clients, my job is not have them pay me to be their friends, but to
help them get what they want. People don't have to agree with my
methods, but I have found that what I do is very effective. And what I
do changes with the person before me.
